Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
True strength comes from lack of pants
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
