Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
