you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
