you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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