Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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