I'm so fucking centered right now
The maid of honor just puked.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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