Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
