I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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