JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
