You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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