shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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