I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I accidentally had phone sex last night
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
