When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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