I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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