I'm so fucking centered right now
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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