at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
