I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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