That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
