No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
