Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
