Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
