I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just blew my weed a kiss
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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