I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
