Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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