Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
