This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
