i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize