He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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