She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
