the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
