kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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