im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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