That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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