If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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