I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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