You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
