in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There's always time for handjobs
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Damn victory sex feels great
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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