You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
