got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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