I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
