I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
