Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
