I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
