They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Randomize
