i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
