The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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