when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize