I cockslap morals
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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