I CAN MOONWALK!
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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