He uses pillows to masturbate.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
