Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
