Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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