My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
