i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
