woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
