i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize