After last night, I could never be a politician.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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