I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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