Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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