you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
