He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
