I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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