i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
