i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
