I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
