I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize