Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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