Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
