On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
